So I normally get a Halloween film reviewed on October 31st. It is the logical day to do such a thing after all. This year I was a little strapped for cash and was a little late buying myself a copy of Halloween 5. I ordered it a week before Halloween. It just turns out that Zoverstocks, the seller I purchased it from on Amazon, likes to wait 3 days to dispatch and then uses super slow mail to deliver. So here we are, 3 days late, with my traditional Halloween night review of Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers. Click the link below yo!
Halloween 5 isn’t very good. It’s not very good at all really. I quite like Halloween 4. It was a decent stab at returning the series to its roots and had some memorable moments, especially the ending. I would have probably said that, up to this point in the series, Halloween 2 would be my least favourite, seeing as it commits the mortal sin of being boring as all fuck. Well, Halloween 5 out bores that and slaps on some extra layers of stupid and awful on top for good measure.
The film takes place one year on from the last entry with young Jamie Lloyd (Danielle Harris) is a home for troubled children, suffering nightmares and now mute, after having attacked her step-mother at the end of Halloween 4 with a rather sharp kitchen knife. It seems Jamie is psychologically linked to Micheal Myers (Don Shanks), who’s her uncle by the way, and seems to be aware of his movements. Rachel (Ellie Cornell), the hero teen of the previous film, is still best buds with Jamie… but then she gets stabbed with scissors and a girl called Tina (Wendy Kaplan) takes on the protector role… sorta… and then Myers stabs a load of teens while Loomis (Donald Pleasence) reaches new levels of fucking crazy. This film’s a bloody mess.
As mentioned, Tina is in the protector role. A role she doesn’t really do because every time she visits or sees Jamie she promptly abandons her for reasons. Usually because she’s planning to get laid by her budget store Fonz boyfriend Micheal (not to be confused with Myers). They all get killed. All the teenagers die. Tina’s friend and her boyfriend get killed. Mike gets killed. Tina gets killed (spoilers). Loomis almost gets killed, he seems to have some sort of slight immunity to knives it seems. No-one asks where Rachel has gone, despite having a sequence where people know she’s in some form of danger. She just stays dead until eventually Jamie stumbles across her body. Oh, there’s also some tall cowboy boot wearing guy with a rune on his wrist (Which Micheal Myers also has apparently) that just kinda wanders around near places.
Loomis is full blown bugnuts, shouting at Jamie (Who’s like, 10 or something) to convince her to tell him where Micheal is. I’m sure shouting at children is how you convince them to help you out isn’t it child psychologist Dr Sam Loomis? Granted, he’s been pretty obsessive and mental in the previous films, but he never once took to literally dangling a small child in front of a killer like a carrot on a stick. I’m not even kidding. He holds Jamie out and shouts “Come and get her Micheal!” and then defeats Myers in what has to be the weakest way yet. By shooting him with a few tranqualisers, whilst semi-trapped under a net and then hitting Myers with a piece of wood until he falls over. Sounds like a lot of action but it really isn’t. It makes Myers look like a weak chump. This is followed up by Myers being in custody and then freed from prison by the previously mentioned cowboy boot man who shoots up all the police off camera. This film is nonsense.
There’s a pair of police officers so inept that not only do they verbally admit to being inept, they’re introduced accompanied by clown music and sound effects. I have nothing I can add to that. End of paragraph.
The film’s tension is weak. ALL the teenagers are terrible people that you just want to see die. Loomis goes way beyond being a character you can hold any relation to. It’s typical for horror films to have characters being stupid in order to hasten their stumbling towards death, but Halloween 5 just pushes this too far. It even repeats the teen dressed as Michael Myers for Halloween stupidity that was done in the previous film. Oh, also, there’s a scene where Michael Myers takes Tina on a date. He’s just killed his namesake, mike, and has put on his Halloween mask. He then proceeds to pick Tina up at the time she asked Mike to, drives her through town and actually stops to let her buy cigarettes from a gas station. Why is this happening?!
The film looks OK and the murder scenes are suitably 80s slasher movie like. Possibly skewing a little closer towards the kills you’d expect from Friday the 13th rather than Halloween, but they’re not too gory and so keep a little of the more grounded Halloween feel. There’s clearly edits where they cut around the gore though. When Mike is killed you see his body drop to the floor and there’s actually a blank frame where they cut around his body twitching to a moment a little later in the shot. They didn’t have any shots of Myers just standing around in the room I guess. Troy Evans is in the film… so there’s a plus.
Halloween 5 is dirt. Just plain, boring, weak dirt. There is no life that could come from this. I hadn’t seen it for, probably, 15-20 years. Couldn’t remember any of it other than the runes thing being a bit odd. Myers has a rune on his wrist, so does the cowboy guy… never explained or discussed in the slightest. Thing is, next year, I’ll have to watch Halloween 6: The Curse of Micheal Myers. I remember a little more of this one and it ain’t good. At least Paul Rudd is in it I suppose. Still, at least it’s not Halloween Resurrection. That comes in 2018! Oh man.