The Weekend Dump: Bollshit


Well look at this. It has been a full week since my first ever Weekend Dump post, my new attempt to write a regular thing, and here’s the second dump. Dump No.2 if you will. Hopefully the second of many more dumps. Speaking of producing dumps, Did you now that Uwe Boll has a Kickstarter going?

Yes, that’s right, Uwe Boll has a Kickstarter, and as Barry Norman would say “and why not?” Everyone else is doing it. Plus it seems like a pretty good way of funding a film without having to pay anyone back their investment. Not that I’m suggesting he’s doing this because he’s only out to exploit a certain core of misled film fans into lining his pockets. No, he’s doing this because (I hope) his cult status has finally dropped to a point where disinterested rich people looking to exploit tax loopholes are no longer willing to back his work. Just a note… as I start writing this Uwe Boll’s Kickstarter for a sequel to Postal is sat at $11,840 with 258 backers. Let’s remember that, and that it is currently 21:19PM.

I should get out the way that I do not see Kickstarter as begging, a chance for people to exploit their fans so they don’t have to foot a bill or as charity. Kickstarter is merely another device for paying for what you want with the difference being that you get the chance to help get things made that normally wouldn’t be cost viable. Amanda Palmer did an amazing job of raising $1,192,793 to fund the production of her last album Theatre Is Evil. She asked for $100,000. She used the extra money to fund shows, produce music videos, provide better quality packaging and all the extra physical product production needed for her 24,883 backer. She even provided a breakdown of the costs for her Kickstarter which revealed how little the initial $100,000 would have actually covered. She produced easily one of, if not THE, best albums of last year.

Any excuse for an Amanda Palmer pic.

Any excuse for an Amanda Palmer pic.

Obviously as a film site I should discuss those some of those film based campaigns. The Veronica Mars movie project asked for $2,000,000 which is a very optimistic goal, and ended up breaking records with a total backing of $5,702,153 with 91,585 backers. 91,585 people wanted to see a Veronica Mars movie so much that they chuck down sums of cash ranging from $1 to $10,000 and more. People wanted to see Veronica Mars come back and so they paid to see it. I wasn’t one of those people because I had Buffy the Vampire Slayer as a teen who would kick Veronica Mars’ arse any day of the week.

Zach Braff and Spike Lee have also both had successful film based Kickstarters, although they’ve been hit with a fair amount of controversy. The old argument of “why should we pay for you to make a movie when you’re already rich” was thrown about a lot. For some reason the most obvious answer was always swerved around or reworded. That answer being “because you should bloody well pay for your entertainment”. Obviously Spike Lee would have add “Sho’ Nuff” and “Yo dig” tot he end of that. You don’t think these guys hadn’t tried taking the film to a studio? Or maybe that they wanted to make a film without the constraints of marketing and studio heads? Artists should be free to art. I backed the Spike Lee joint because, well, he’s a damn fine director and I’d like to see him continue working. Fun fact: I often find him quite contentious. But I still backed because it’s the product that matters. I also backed a small low budget Christmas themed horror film by a young chap called Steven Davis called Christmas Slay which is being made on the insanely modest £7,332. I doubt even Spike Lee could make a film on that budget.

Decent film Garden State. You should watch it.

Decent film Garden State. You should watch it.

So there’s my stance, Kickstarter is a shop and it can provide films, and other such products, you wouldn’t normally see. Sometimes good ideas fail on there, MotorGun springs to mind, but most often poor products fail to reach their goals because the quality is clearly missing. True, some poor quality products do get made with Kickstarter funding, but I like to think that the customers are growing wise to this. Which is what brings me back to Uwe Boll.

Uwe Boll, for those that don’t know, is… now let me choose my words carefully, possibly one of the most creatively bankrupt, morally detestable, cinematically retarded alleged film makers in the world today. Sorry I described him as a film maker. That was possibly going too far. I’ve seen a fair few of his films, including the previous Postal film, and they lack anything resembling passion, honesty or even the slightest hint of providing the audience with any form of quality. How to describe the quality of Uwe Boll films? Let’s make a list!!!

Always a smooth look for a German Uwe, yeah... go with that.

Always a smooth look for a German Uwe, yeah… go with that.

In House of the Dead there is now house of the dead. Instead we have something more akin to a church… or maybe a shed.

In the same film footage from the arcade games is cut into the action sequences seemingly at random. Characters will pull handguns up only to be holding shotguns in the very next shot. The film climaxes with a sword fight against a super zombie.

There is a sex since in Alone in the Dark set to Seven Seconds by Neneh Cherry and Youssou N’Dour. Just picture that for a second. Possibly the most inappropriate song to set a sex scene to.

Michael Madsen gave so few shits about his performance in Bloodrayne that he is visibly drunk throughout the whole film. Meanwhile, Ben Kingsley puts on a performance (which includes a rape) that can only be described as catatonic.

Uwe Boll made an Auschwitz movie. It’s pretty much Hostel but with none of the charm. By the way, Hostel has no charm.

He made a film based on Dungeon Siege called In The Name Of The King where Burt Reynolds is a king and secretly the father of Jason Statham who plays a farmer called Farmer. The film was made for $60,000.000 and looks about as good as an episode of Power Rangers. Older Power Rangers, of course, cos the newer ones ain’t too bad looking.

That is a few examples of the sort of quality you can expect from an Uwe Boll film. Now, I’m not denying that he has his cult fans. For a while I watched a number of his films as I went through a phase of watching bad films for giggles. There was rarely giggles to be had. Usually I’d end up feeling a bit depressed that, yet again, there was a glaring continuity error, a poor piece of editing or some shameless corner cutting. I’d say his production quality is some where around the same level as films made by The Asylum. I completely believe that he can make Postal 2 on a $500,000 budget. But that is only because because I can’t see how any of his other films cost much more than that. Seriously, watch a trailer for In the Name of the King and tell me that cost the same as Hellboy cost to make.

Am I presenting Uwe Boll in a bad light?

Am I presenting Uwe Boll in a bad light?

I honestly can’t believe the gall of the man to actually think he’ll be able to fund his film on Kickstarter. He seems completely oblivious to the fact that the core Kickstarter user base is the sort of person that actually has a clue. He doesn’t seem to realise that any money his films have made (which isn’t actually much) has come from people either buying the dvds for a laugh or by accident because they had no idea what they were buying. The sort of people that see the name of something they recognise and use that as all the quality assurance they need. Keep in mind, as I rant about this project, that Uwe Boll once challenged his critics to a boxing match. A one sided event as Uwe Boll was an amateur boxer and the critics received none of the training he had promised. One ended up injured. He has also stated on his Kickstarter, facetiously of course, that the money from the Kickstarter will go towards “all for cocaine for the stars down the nose.”.

Uwe Boll fancies himself as a cult celebrity and seems to truly believe that the hate he receives is from people who are jealous of him. Maybe they are jealous. Jealous of the fact that he can keep failing to even be competent at his job and yet still get paid a ridiculous amount to keep doing it. If, somehow, this film gets funded there is no way he is going to give you a film with any semblance of quality. Hell, he’ probably banking on the lower than usual budget to be an excuse for how crappy it will end up looking.

But hey, if Uwe Boll can get a film funded on Kickstarter then more power to him. I guess it would prove that there’s enough people out there who, for whatever reasons, actually enjoy his work. If there’s enough of an audience then why not get them to help make the film happen. I don’t believe there is enough of an audience for a $500,000 Uwe Boll. At least I sincerely hope not. After 6 days of this project being on Kickstarter Boll has now raised, at this moment of writing which is 22:31PM, $12,030 with 259 backers. In the past 72 minutes one person has paid $190 to see an Uwe Boll film. That scares me. What gives me hope is that there can be no way on Earth this reaches it’s target in the remaining 57 days. I hope.

I love the freedom that people have with Kickstarter to provide a product to customers that they may not normally be able to get. If there is an audience there can be a product. Each time something worthwhile is made the world of culture, art or whatever category the project falls into will be made a little bit better and more diverse. The world does not need another Uwe Boll film. The world of film will be a better place without another Uwe Boll film. I sincerely hope this is the nail in the Uwe Boll film directing career coffin. Please don’t back this project. Backing this project is akin to saying “I like to have shit shovelled down my throat because I’m a dribbling moron”. Don’t be a dribbling moron.


About lvl54spacemonkey

Just a dude who likes movies and games and has delusions of working in one of those industries. Write screenplays and work on short films in my spare time. Most of which never get finished. View all posts by lvl54spacemonkey

3 responses to “The Weekend Dump: Bollshit

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